You knew I was a Scorpion

there was a man called Claude
who told me not to play the guitar
in the house
never, ever
and then he got fired later
for trying to get it on with
Miss Stacey
texting, Sexting
one thing leads to another
you knew I was a Scorpion
one day during group
I had to use the bathroom
which was right in the hall by the
group room
so if you were coming off dope, and you had
the shits
the group, all the group
knew it
then I ran out of TP
so Mister Blackie had to bring me some
and Mister Claude said after
“Did you put the roll on right? Woman told me one time
they like the paper side comin’ out the top, not the bottom,
that way if they just done they nails, they won’t ruin they
nail polish gettin the paper off the roll. Thas’ just
what a lady tole me one time.”
It was one of the only times Mister Claude wasn’t a
complete asshole
and then after I “graduated”
all that stupid shit happened with Miss Stacey
and they had to fire Mister Claude for
fraternizing with a patient
but it’s never any surprise, really, when an ex-con
ex-junkie, ex-gangster tries to have sex with another
drug addict, is it?
and it cost me just about $12,000 that time
to learn which way to put the
roll of toilet paper on the roll
and in my recovery
I still do it to this day

Your Mama didn’t love you

He said your mama didn’t love you right did she?
He said he could tell by the way I was lookin at the In n Out lady.
I thought she was hot. She had braids, dark hair, sweet eyes.
She was about my Mom’s age. I thought I’d slip her a note and we could fuck
in the In N Out (urge) bathroom.
Would you like anything else today, sir?
What I thought was yes let’s fuck
What I said was not that different.
“No thank you.”
Jimmi was behind me in line. He saw the whole thing go down.


I went to a yoga studio once.
I was distracted by the chicks with perfect bodies, the pony-tailed instructor, and if my bike was going to get stolen.
I bought a DVD video and mat from Whole Foods. That turned a $25 dollar lunch into a $60 lunch.
Rodney Yee was the instructor on the DVD, and I’ve been buying his DVD’s through GAIAM ever since then. Why pay a yoga studio when I can do it at home?
There’s no distractions, I’m not trying to impress anyone, and Rodney is awesome.
My abs are killing me.
Also, for bad sugar hangovers, try the Emergen C packets. It wipes it right out.
Personally, I get into the Nutella at about 2am (when I’m home from work) and the hydrogenated soy oil and refined sugar synthesize and metabolize the same way a bottle of Jack Daniels and a crack hit would.
Emergen C takes care of it.
That’s all for now.
Namaste. LaChance.